Wasted Time, dark clouds and depair
Wasted time by the Eagles is the song that comes closest to what expresses how I feel lately. At least this is the song that has been running through my head the most.
Now, a qualifier to this is that the song is about the loss of love at a point in time where the subject did not expect such a loss. Because of the unexpected loss of a love relationship, the subject in this great ballad wonders if the time spent with said lover has been wasted time.
Strike the romantic parts and that describes how I feel about my 30+ years in Christianity.
But there’s a deeper dimension to my sense of loss. All my life I have struggled with a great emptiness. It is a void – – a shadowy sense of aloneness and isolation from others in this world.
It’s not just a tragic, ironic void that exists despite otherwise fulfilling circumstances. It’s a void in the midst of broken dreams, non-existent relationships and a career so full of false starts and mis-steps that I cannot tell if the darkness is inside me, outside of me or both.
Lately, this “void” has been more like a lesion in my inmost being that has grown wider and wider over the years. The promises of my former faith did not fill that void. There’s been nothing to heal the lesion of darkness and despair. I have grown to dread and despise the superficiality with which I relate to all people and they to me. All this pain for so many years. And who knows me? At this present hour, there is no end in sight.
I still have not told my family about my loss of faith. They do not know that I am no longer a Christian.
Still more disturbing is the fact that I love my wife so much and I love my son deeply. But they don’t know that this cloud within me is so deep and so dark and so persistent from my earliest days, that even my relationship with them, as loving as it is, cannot take it away. I don’t know if they would ever understand that, though they would want my void to go away, it is not their responsibility or their ability to heal me.
So here I am, with my head in my hand. I am at my wits end. I realized months ago that there is no god in the heavens hearing my prayers and sending wisdom or healing my way.
When I think of the future, I feel like someone has placed a black plastic trash bag over my head and is wrapping a chord around my neck. Or maybe a better description is being trapped at the bottom of a deep well at midnight on a dark stormy night with only the wind to receive my cries for relief. There’s just no relief in sight.
I don’t know how to conclude this post except to say that my need to express myself is so great that I just had to write these thoughts down. There is really nobody in my life I feel safe telling these things to.
Have my years in that religion been of any benefit to me or anyone else? Have I developed no resources in my life to combat this loneliness? Or, has it al just been wasted time?
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